Can you imagine what kind of mothers we’d be if we decided to bring up our
children the way the State manages us, her children? (We can no longer truly
say “Government,” since that implies an effective opposition, which is
something we haven’t had in years.)
Now that the people are no longer the heart of democracy and our Westminster
system has created top-heavy leadership, the State is personified by the
benevolent matriarchy of Big Momma.
If all mothers aped the State Momma, here’s how we would bring up our
Never say “please,” “thank you” or “sorry.” These are very bad words and
people will think you are weak if you say them.
Do NOT be courteous to visitors. If they want sun and sand, let them go to
the other islands who have to develop service skills, because those
unfortunate people don’t have oil.
Don’t ever kill yourself to be disciplined, tidy, or take pride in your
city. We love our slummy city. Thank you very much.
If you want it clean, leave. That’s Big Momma’s motto. Throw that plastic
bottle and chicken bone out the car window. Be free.
If you have done something wrong, never admit it. If you are caught
stealing, lying, cheating, turn very religious and pretend you were not
Head straight to the church, mosque or temple. Got that? Our people don’t
fault a praying man.
Remember, the pivot of our lives is our two days of non-stop partying, where
you must take off most of your clothes and dance, but you must learn the art
of doing what Momma and Dada do in bed, but do it vertically on the street.
This is very important to our culture, and if you don’t do it we will think
you are not committed to your family.
We do have Nobel Prize-winning writers, and have invented the steelpan. We
have tremendous wit, complexity, and history in our calypso, but we don’t
think music or art should be taught or funded, or that heritage buildings
should be preserved.
There is no National Gallery of Art, but Momma organises committees upon
committees to bring your NCC party to you. We have no Academy of Music, but
Momma’s bringing you a smelter.
There is no Museum of Carnival to celebrate our mas, but Momma’s going to
fund a bigger and better “soca chutney wine lime” next year for her babies.
There is no need to read either music (you can sing soca and chutney without
being able to read) or books (boring, so colonial).
Momma loves you so much we don’t care what you do in class; we will push you
up the system. If you leave unable to read or write, and aren’t interested
in learning a trade, don’t worry, Momma will import skilled labour.
Damn it! Momma loves so much we will give you stones to paint and pay you
Momma doesn’t want you to even listen to those foolish people who are crying
that there is a murder a day in this country.
Don’t they know that the crime rate is down? So what if they kidnap a couple
of people? They deserve it for working hard and showing off with it.
How do you expect her to solve the crime problem? She has no control over
her police force, because they have more guns than Momma’s private security
and she doesn’t want to be bumped off for clamping down on police
Anyway, Momma is just plain overwhelmed, so leave her alone. She’s
frantically busy managing her oil business. As fast as it appears, it has to
disappear and it takes effort to do that.
Now, be good children. Do what Momma says,
and all will be well.