donít know if thereís something wrong with him or if itís me.
of abused women from Lundy Bancroftís book
Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry controlling men
is a continuing series written in the memory of four-year-old Emily
Annamunthodo who was assaulted and killed in her home, and her 19-year-old
mother, (now accused of negligence) herself a victim of spousal abuse
having endured being stripped and dragged through the streets naked, body
slammed into a wheelbarrow after which grass was thrown on her and she was
threatened with being set on fire.
biggest menace about domestic violence, (and the reason it affects up to
50 million American children annually who witness it being perpetrated on
some 30 million mothers) is that it is menacingly woven into the fabric of
everyday domesticity, in the heart of the most intimate relationships,
which alternate between ďloveĒ and verbal, physical and emotional
abuse leaving the victims perpetually bewildered and ultimately
series is aimed at making the invisible visible to abused women; to help
them understand there is nothing wrong with them, and that they are
victims of criminal behaviour. Sadly victims are often ashamed and donít
report domestic abuse.
week, I began summarising the chapter on the types of abusive men
according to Lundy Bancroft, which is continued below.
The Player: Women were put on this earth to have sex with
menóespecially me. Women who want sex are too loose, and women who
refuse sex are too uptight. Itís not my fault that women find me
irresistible. If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to
ignore you. Iím in this relationship when itís convenient for me and
when I feel like it. If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldnít have
to turn to other women.
Rambo: Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and
conflict resolution are bad. Anything that could be even remotely
associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible
violence or showing any fear or grief has to be avoided at any cost.
Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality)
are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them. Men
should never hit women, because it is unmanly to do so. However,
exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behaviour is
bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line. You are a thing that
belongs to me, akin to a trophy.
The Victim: Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women
Iíve been involved with. Poor me. Iíve had it so hard that Iím not
responsible for my actions. When you accuse me of being abusive, youíre
just like the rest. Itís justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel
you are doing to me, and worse to make sure you get the message. Women who
complain of mistreatment by men, such as abuse or sexual harassment are
anti-male and out for blood.
The Terrorist: You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life
is in my hands. Women are evil and have to be kept terrorised to prevent
that evil from coming forth. I would rather die than accept your right to
independence. The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you
fearful. Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.
Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser: I am not responsible for my
actions because of my psychological or substance problems. If you
challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering
these other problems I have that you donít understand. Iím not
abusive, Iím just (alcoholic, drug addicted, depressed, or whatever his
condition may be). If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or
mental illness, and youíll be responsible for what I do.
week: Warning signs of abuse, and abusive cycles.