Of love, passion and affairs

 

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Category: Women Date: 10 Jun 99


Amidst the horror of the hangings and the cries of the people from Beetham saying ďremember usĒ; Amidst the intrigue and the menace that hangs in the air like a rotten smell; Amidst waste and corruption; Amidst all the debris, there are men and women who will talk to one another, who will fall in love. And once there is that, there is hope, and if not hope, a magic maddening distraction.

 

ON LOVE

Woman: So, what DO you think about us

Man: What do I think about what about us

Woman: You know, our relationship

Man: Itís alright

Woman: I mean, I really want to know, have we grown, is our love deeper?

Man: Iím here arenít I?

Woman: What is love..

Man: I think itís a vague term, meaningless at worst, clichťd at best

Woman: What is love to YOU?

Man: Oh you mean to ME personally, and not as a concept?

Woman: (exasperated, darting daggers) Yes

Man: Lust

Woman: (looking disgusted) Lust alone?

Man: Oh yeah and familiarity and needing to be needed?

Woman: So itís just about you wanting me to need you? What about feelings of caring for ME?

Man: What do you think about the issuing of identity cards in Britain? Do you think it infringes on privacy?

Woman: You donít love me. You donít find me sexy or exciting, or funny the way you did when you couldnít wait to get me in bed

Man: (returning to The Economist) Yes dear

Woman: Yes you donít, or yes you do?

Man: Yes dear

Woman: It would be much easier if women lived with women and men with men. I mean youíll understand one another so much better and we understand one another so much better

Man: Yes dear

Woman: So do you love me or not?

Man: Yes dear

 

 

ON COMMITMENT

Woman: I have to talk to you. Itís about us

Man: Look, Cricket is on CNN

Woman: Thatís not cricket, thatís football. Anyway, as I said, weíve been going out for 12 years, and I was wondering what you thought of the future of our relationship.

Man: Yeah but they showed the cricket scores.

Woman: Iíve given you the best years of my life. Why are you so afraid of commitment?

Man: Iím here arenít I?

Woman: (screaming silently inside my clock is ticking my clock is ticking I want children you idiot, security, commitment.) Yes, but if we move in together we can have so much fun.

Man: I am committed but I donít see why I canít be committed while living in my motherís house and you in yours

Woman: I think Iím going to break up with you

Man: (covering his face, looking at her through a slit between his fingers) I wonít ever break up with you. I depend on you. I love you.

Woman: (looking around wildly for alternatives and spotting one guy leering at her, and another with his finger up his nose, and thinking this is as good as its going to get.)  Ok then, Iíll have it your way, Iíll move in with you AND your mother OK?

Man. OK but you donít have to. Weíre fine as we are.

 

ON A SHORT AFFAIR

Woman: Ai, you remember Doris, the friend I introduced you to? She wanted to know why you blanked her after that weekend you all spent together in St Lucia. She said she thought the two of you had the beginnings of a real good thing.

Man: Thatís the problem. If you feed a dog with egg there is no way you could get that dog to leave your house. I am that dog. I know I could fall for her real bad, and then she would have me at her mercy.

Woman: But you real stupid. She is a nice woman. She is the first woman you meet who you could fall in love with, yet you dump her.

Man: I told you thatís the point. I reach the stage of human bondage. One more night and she could do me anything. So it was time to buss it.

Woman: You crazy.

Man:  You feel I want to mope all over time on a Friday night looking for her?  Nah. I want to be a free man:  lime without a care. Not in love. I will just cherish my memories of her, but take no chances.

Woman: You know you men are like tubelights. This thing between you two is going to hit you bad bad in six months, and by then, Doris done all her tears over you, and she will never forgive you. You will never have a chance with her.

Man: I know but I canít help myself

Woman: Men coward yes.

Man: Ai, you know that chick behind you. You think you could introduce me?

 

ON PASSION

Woman: When we are in bed do you love me with your heart, soul, mind?

Man: What do you mean by heart soul and mind. I thought the body was involved.

Woman: (distracted) I caught you looking at that waitress.

Man: There was something in my peripheral vision. I just looked behind to see what it was

Woman: She just HAPPENS to be a sexy woman in a short tight skirt right? So there's no love mingled with your lust? I could be anyone?

Man: (speaking more than the woman has heard him in their entire two year relationship) I read about this huge survey they had in America. In it they tried to determine how long men and women would take before sleeping together. They had on their checklist: Two weeks, one week, four days, one day, two hours. All the women put down as their answer ďat least two weeksĒ And every man put two hours. So they tried to narrow the thing down. They sent actresses in to universities and work places who made themselves available. And the answer from men everywhere was ďgive me five minutes to put my books/file down.Ē

Woman: So ALL you all care about is sex?

Man: Not ALL. Most of the time.

 

A FEMALE FANTASY

Man: (leading woman into a room of low lights filled with roses, scented candles and a Cordon Bleu meal) I thought you were looking tired. So Iíve sent the kids to my mother. I thought we would spend the evening talking about firstly, you Ė how beautiful and intelligent you are, and secondly discuss our relationship Ė how far weíve come, and we can both change and grow together, and thirdly, I know youíve been longing for a holiday. Shall we see if we can come up with something where the two of us can spend lots of time together?

Woman: (Doesnít exist. Itís a fantasy)

 

A MANS REALITY

Man: (enters his dining room with dim lights and filled with roses of all colours and delicate flames off cream candles licking the twilight. He switches the bright light on, and reaches for a beer) Did somebody die? Whatís with the alcohol candles and flowers? Oh God I really feel like a big Mac tonight to eat while we watch the rerun of the game.

 

DREAMS DO COME TRUE

Man: You know honey, I know we men and woman are really different, and I know we irritate one another sometimes but I am lost when you go away, and wouldnít exchange you for the world. I fancy you like mad, think youíre a nice nice woman and I want to grow old with you.

Woman: Same here. You drive me nuts the way you leave the toilet seat up but I canít sleep without hugging you up and even after all this time the sound of your car coming in the driveway makes me leap up.  I love you, my chocolate, my pool of peace.

Man: I love you my crazy woman.

 

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All Articles Copyright Ira Mathur